eternal questions for a birthday bash

eternal questions for a birthday bash

who walked those final steps with you

or danced your darkest hour?

who steadied you or tied your knot?

did you grimly smile, or weep

when the rope went taut?

 

what moment tipped the balance

of your dire choice?

yesterday when you looked

happy as you bathed our only child,

or later when your words and eyes assured me

that you trusted… but you lied?

 

when did the painful reality occur

that no longer is no more and forever,

and latent regrets are not nearly enough?

wasn’t the love you felt for your suckling baby

enough testimony to us mortals

that god lives, but only for the living?

 

where did your magic meet its pleasant rest,

on a windy breeze that never stops,

in a flash of light that seared memory clean,

or in a tiny box of lead?

does it spread and blend your lovely scent

into a contented whiff of universal swirl?

 

why not just live life’s ups and ills

as if choices weren’t limited though you had been cheated?

while others said their jealous prayers

with hopes of only being as lucky.

did your fearless conspirators fan their scary flames,

did demons laugh or cross their fingers toward your twisted end?

 

how is it for you today… considering our son turns three

but pees and wakes me in tortured sweat,

buries watered eyes and sobs till hurt subsists?

how nice to think of mama’s touch, yet feel only daddy’s calloused grip.

as he waits to watch the window’s evening strollers

knowing the “what might have been” will never be…. for him.

 

MUST i ask again…or has the tidy damage also done you in?

is nothing better something worse than live?

is something gained then lost again?

was it a silent whimper or a screaming grin?

can you tell me why, or what’s… at… stake?

while i light three little candles on love’s birthday cake

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3 thoughts on “eternal questions for a birthday bash

  1. I must follow your journey. I’m glad you found me, but I wish your story would have a happy ending. I look at my kids now and feel sooo grateful that I chose wisely when I was in the middle of all my confusion. Your writing is raw and very real. It resonated with me so much it was hard to read. Wish I had a magic wand for life’s dirt.

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