the closet
eternal questions for a birthday bash
who walked those final steps with you
or danced the darkest hour
who steadied you or tied your knot
did you grimly smile, or weep
when the rope went taut?
what moment tipped the balance
of your dire choice?
yesterday when you looked
happy as you bathed our only child
or later when your words and eyes assured me
that you trusted… but you lied?
when did the painful reality occur
that no longer is no more and for ever
and latent regrets are not nearly enough
was the love you felt for your suckling baby
enough testimony to us mortals
that god lives but only for the living?
where did your magic meet its pleasant rest?
on a windy breeze that never stops
or in a flash of light that seared memory clean
or in a tiny box of lead?
or does it spread and blend your lovely scent
in a contented whiff of universal swirl?
why not just live life’s ups and ills
as if choices weren’t limited but you had been cheated
while others said their jealous prayers
with hopes only of being as lucky
did your fearless conspirators fan their scary flames
did demons laugh or cross their fingers toward your twisted end?
how is it for you today… considering our son turns three
but pees and wakes me in tortured sweat
buries watered eyes and sobs till hurt subsists
how nice to think of mama’s touch, yet feel only daddy’s calloused grip
then waits to watch the window’s evening strollers
knowing the “what might have been” will never be…. for him.
MUST i ask again…or has the tidy damage also done you in?
is nothing better something worse than live
is something gained or lost again?
was it a silent whimper or a screaming grin
can you tell me why or what’s at stake?
as i light three little candles on love’s birthday cake…
-30-
I must follow your journey. I’m glad you found me, but I wish your story would have a happy ending. I look at my kids now and feel sooo grateful that I chose wisely when I was in the middle of all my confusion. Your writing is raw and very real. It resonated with me so much it was hard to read. Wish I had a magic wand for life’s dirt.